How to detox a toxic relationship
One of my favourite learnings of Logotherapy is how and when to end a thought. When to make a full stop, how to finish a sentence when we speak, or think about things that trouble us. Viktor Frankl assumed that the essence of being well and resilient is to transform a ‘.’ into an ‘&’ whenever we speak about something difficult, distressing or traumatic in our life. It enables us to acknowledge the past without letting it determine the future, too. It expresses positive belief for the present and future. To turn from what has caused harm to what is possible nonetheless. It shifts our focus from how we have been harmed to what we can do about it…
This idea of changing a ‘.’ into an ‘&’ expresses Frankl’s deeply held belief that a person is never fully defined by their circumstances, the past or others. We all are to a certain degree, but never fully. I think about this often when reading posts on toxic relationships. And I feel that especially a lot of posts I stumble upon on social media actually encourage people to make a full stop way too early when it comes to understanding and dealing with unhealthy relationships. When these boxes can be checked, the other is toxic, fullstop. And then what?
While I deeply acknowledge the pain and suffering that can be caused by what is termed a ‘toxic relationship’, I still believe that simply blaming the other person for being such a ‘toxic human’ will have very little positive impact on one's own wellbeing in the long run, if that truly is the end to the story. And while this probably is the last thing we want to hear in that situation where we suffer a great deal, it makes the whole thing far too easy. Ultimately, we feel helpless and without control when this blame towards the other becomes our ‘.’ and not an ‘&’.
To be clear, when I talk about “toxic relationships” here, I am talking about a romantic relationship where two people impact each other in such a way that they bring out negative aspects in the other and/or themselves. I am speaking of relationships filled with ongoing disappointment and hurt feelings, spiraling misery and overwhelming and ever returning despair - not about domestic violence, assault, or other forms of abuse, even though they do often come under this umbrella term.
The toxins in toxic relationships
I have seen, in my work over the years, that blaming the other can never be the end of the story, given that people ultimately want to feel better and happier again. Maybe it is a step along the way, but not the finish line. I saw that the realization "My relationship is rather toxic" is more helpful when it is followed by an ‘&’ rather than a ‘.’. Yet, the problem of so called toxic relationships is that they ‘poison’ exactly these positive beliefs that make us resilient.
Toxic relationships undermine our ‘&’s that express the belief in oneself, our belief to be capable of changing things for the better. Instead, they create feelings of unworthiness, not being enough, self-doubt, self-abandonment, loneliness, or intense anger.
The ambivalence of the inner knowing that this relationship is dragging one down in combination with the feeling of love, attraction and still wanting the other, can leave one feeling completely torn or paralyzed. This is, what I consider the most toxic in toxic relationships, working like a vicious circle: the dynamics of a toxic relationship that make it so very difficult to develop a sense of agency and self-worth, that could be formulated in an ‘&’, sounding like:
… AND I deserve better.
… AND I deserve a relationship that is built on trust, respect and genuine care.
… AND I am perfectly worthy and loveable, even though my current partner doesn't treat me that way.
… AND I can trust my own judgement; my feelings are valid.
… AND I have everything it needs to either end this relationship or make clear how it has to change for me in order to continue it.
… AND there are healthier relationships waiting for me, in case I leave.
Coming back to yourself and building your ‘&’
I want to share an exercise that can help you in breaking this vicious circle, to better understand yourself and connect more deeply with the difficult emotions connected to the poisonous relational experience that is characteristic to a toxic relationship. It shifts the perspective from blame and judgement to more open exploration. It also shifts the spotlight from focusing solely on the partner or the relationship to recentering to your own emotional experience. All you need is a pen and a sheet of paper.
Imagine the following scenario:
You find yourself in a house that is flooded. You go outside, and realize it is pouring outside. Maybe your first impulse is to blame the rain which caused that catastrophe. Obviously. Eventually, we look up and come to realize that it was not only the rain that played its part here, but also a not so visible leak in our houses' roof, that lets the rain come through and flood the house.
Take a few deep breaths and settle in this image. It can help to close your eyes for a minute or two.
Think of that scenario as an analogy to your own situation: with the catastrophe of the flooded house as the relationship you find yourself in right now, with the rain being the behaviours of your partner that account for that, and the crack in the roof as your share that also played its part in all this.
Imagine the flooded house. Think of the flooded house as your situation within your relationship. Take your time to settle in this feeling. How does it make you feel right now?
Imagine the rain. Think of the rain as your partner's behaviour. Note down concrete behaviours of your partner, that you experience as toxic (e.g. distrust, denying/doubting your feelings as a form of ‘gaslighting’, etc). Also, when did it start? In the next step, write down how the behaviours make you feel? (e.g. sad, angry, unloved?)
Imagine the leak in the roof. Think of the leak in the roof as your share in this, as certain bevioral patterns of yours, beliefs or charactertraits (e.g the belief that you just have to try hard enough, to make things work; anxiety to be alone; etc.). Note down what you feel is important here.
End the exercise with the following questions: What could help to support the roof? What does it take?
How ownership builds resilience
This exercise should help you to get a clearer understanding of what actually makes your relationship toxic for you and also, to be more in touch with the underlying emotions that we often attempt to avoid. More recognition of what is actually going on within us, deeper insight and self-compassion is at the basis of relating differently, more skillfully to what we struggle with. When we can make meaning of the factors that allowed it to happen, we can cope with what happened differently from now on. I hope the exercise also helps you realize what you can influence and what you can't: Because ultimately, even in a close or romantic relationship, we can only change ourselves, not the other. Using the image of the exercise above: We can move or fix the roof. We cannot control the rain.
This exercise aims to help you to investigate and become more aware and mindful about your relational situation, not to think of yourself as insufficient or at fault because it is how it is right now. In most cases, toxic relationships gain their momentum from a very dysfunctional dynamic between two partners. It is like mixing two chemicals that both on it’s own are harmless, but become explosive when put together. Based on the (mis)match, I truly believe that anyone can end up in a very unhealthy or even toxic relationship, so don’t beat yourself up about next to everything else that is difficult already.
Growing from adversity
It is often said that building a healthy couple relationship comes from building a healthy relationship with oneself. Ending or working through dysfunctional couple relationships, too, comes from building a healthy relationship with oneself. It's about fixing our own roof, so to say. It's about knowing that we deserve a safe and sustaining house and act accordingly upon this knowing, not letting anyone make us believe otherwise.
Coming back to oneself and no longer looking only at the other person has nothing to do with looking for the "blame" in oneself. When we are ‘outraged’, we are not primarily with ourselves, but our thoughts, reflections and feelings are with the other person. When we don’t recenter, we become passive spectators in our own lives.
I want to end this post by asking you to conjure an image of the Lotus in your mind’s eye, this beautiful and holy flower that can only grow from mud. Importantly, I want to end with the Lotus, not the mud. And you too, I hope, you don't end with the mud, but make it your AND. Make use of what you suffered through to build a truly healthy, and non-toxic relationship with yourself, since it is the most important relationship you will ever have in your life. Don't stop too early with deflecting your focus and energy too much on the other, for it doesn't improve the situation. It leaves you angry and desperate. Like a lotus that grows from thick mud, think of yourself as the perfectly wonderful and worthy being that grows from adversity.
In case you are struggling to deal with the aftermath or find yourself in the middle of a toxic relationship, feeling drained or damaged, I am here to help and I encourage you to reach out and book a session to discuss paving a path to move forward together.